Put T' Kettle on, Luv!

Matt and Holly are getting married, but not everything will run as smoothly as it should. The organisers of the wedding aren't organised, Amandine wishes to repeat 1066 and Henry and Janet risk breaking the dress code. With such problems, will the big event go ahead? Other questions also require answers; who's the mysterious minister officiating at the ceremony, and how can a tough Georgie Mafia member fall in the love?

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Kirk Yetton sprang to fame, under the pseudonym Ghost Writer, after the surprise success of his debut novel, "Put T' Kettle On, Luv!" in 2006, which was nominated for the MF Prize and won the Golden Nagger for Crime (chosen by the pensioners of Great Britain). Since then he has written the hugely popular series of short stories for children, The Adventures of Skipper Bruce, which were adapted to form a popular television series. Kirk's latest project leaves the realm of fiction behind as he delves into the history of Yorkshire, the region which has taken him into its fold since he moved there in 1998. Kirk graduated in Romantic Fiction from Dundee University in 1994 (though he wishes it had been St Andrews) and now lives in Hebden Bridge with his Budgie, Peter.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Chapter 9 - Dedicated Follower of Fashion

Jim cleaned himself up. He washed the chocolate from around his mouth, put on his tuxedo, the trousers worn by John Travolta in Night Fever that he'd bought off Ebay one night while he was supposed to have been writing a philosophy essay on whether LaFollete's views regarding what had come first, Subway or the sub (an updated version of the chicken and the egg), were philosophically sound, his black jacket and his bow tie, which his drunken room mate kindly tied for him. Then he put the prize which would win him Holly in the inner pocket of his jacket, ran a comb through his perm and set off to the "champagne" reception in the facilities building.

***

Henry stood in his room deciding whether the green kilt or the red kilt went better with his jacket and whether he should use the mask he'd purchased online or the one he'd made the day before.

***

Matt laid in his room in terrible pain while his flatmates celebrated the ball by drinking large quantities of gin.

***

Amandine put on a black skirt and a black and white stripy jumper before gluing on a false moustace and hanging a string of onions around her neck. She admired herself in the mirror and picked up the photo on her beside cabinet before blowing it a little kiss and whispering "Orange voir". Then she opened the door and left.

***

Holly put on the jumper she had worn the day before and the skirt she had worn to Church that morning and combed her long hair, which fell gracefully over her shoulders.
"Looking good, Holly," said the man in the bed, the first time Holly had heard him speak.
She turned to look at him, but he'd gone back to sleep.
"Who the hell are you?" she shouted, but he just mumbled in his dream.
She went downstairs and opened the door, hitched up her skirts to avoid the puddles and set off on the long treck to DRA.

***

PC Dave greeted her as she entered the facilities building, checking her ticket and trying to see down her top as he handed her a plastic cup of "champagne". The room was already packed and she craned her neck to see if Matt was in sight, but alas, he was not. She went and sat in the corner on the faux-leather sofa in the corner of the room, away from everyone else, and muttered in annoyance. Her dream was shattered. She would not be able to dance with Matt tonight. She looked down at her top. She had thought long and hard about what she was to wear in order to please the man of her dreams; this top only had one small stain on it. Clean clothes were a sure fire way of attracting him. All that thought to waste.
James bounded over towards her, looking excited.
"Holly! I have to write a Spanish essay about toads for 9 o'clock tomorrow!"
"Oh," replied Holly. "Have you finished it?"
"Finished it? I haven't even started it!" He answered with glee.
"You eejit! You've had all weekend!"
"But I've been busy."
"Doing what?"
"Beating Henry on Kung Fu Kick 'Em."
Holly shook her head.
"Hey James." Henry joined them, pouring his "champagne" into a flower pot. "Tastes disgusting."
"You tasted alcohol?" Holly shook her head.
"Winner!" Jim appeared beside Henry.
Everyone said hello except Holly, who lifted her hand without looking up.
Jim's heart skipped a beat. "Are you Ok Hoz-meister?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm good," she replied. Jim sighed in relief.
"I came to the bistro for tea today, it was sooooo good." He said, sitting down next to her so that their arms were just touching. "They had an Elvis themed weekend. I had the Jailhouse Roquefort as a starter, the Love Me Tenderloin for main course and a glass of Mama Liked the Rosé wine."
"Oh, oh, I went too!" cried Henry, excitedly. "I had the Hound Dog!"
"What was that?" asked Jim.
"A two foot sauage with mash."
"Winner!" But Jim was slightly annoyed because Henry had sat between him and Holly. The thrill of touching her skin was gone.
An annoucement was made that the transportation that would take the guests to the Bay Hotel, where the ball itself would take place, were ready to depart. The group stood up and joined the throng heading outside. Images of stretch limos and Rolls Royces were banished as they were met by a line of rumbling buses, one of which was bright yellow with the words SCHOOL BUS emblazoned on the side, pumping out thick, chocking smoke.
Then Holly's heart lept as she saw Matt climbing aboard a bus further down the queue. She hitched up her skirts once more and took off through the crowd, pushing people aside, not caring if they fell in the mud. Shouts went up as she barged past, but nothing would stop her sitting beside Matt. Sweat ran into her eyes as she forced her way to the bus and leapt on just as the doors closed behind her.
Tonight all her dreams would come true.

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