Chapter 19 - Hello Goodbye

The Mini skidded to a halt outside the prefabricated chapel.
"So this is Gretna Green, huh?" asked Henry. "I always imagined it as a village green where they had weddings."
"I imagined it as a kind of Las Vegas, but with ducks instead of dancing girls," said James.
Kate screamed as three police cars screeched to a stop behind the mini.
"Quick, me and Henry'll stay here, you go and find Jim," shouted James.
Kate and Anna leapt from the car and ran into the chapel, followed by four police officers, who stumbled as they avoided the white picket fence that surrounded the building and attempted to put their caps on at the same time. Two others dragged James and Henry from the back seats.
"Right then, you'd better explain what the hell you think you've been doing."

***

Kate and Anna burst into the chapel at the right moment. The master of ceremonies had just asked if there were any objections.
"Yes there is!" cried Kate, triumphantly.
"I think you mean yes there are," replied the vicar. "I used the plural and therefore you, also, must use it. But you´re American, so I don´t expect you to understand good English. But that´s beside the point. What, may I ask, is your objection?"
"The bride's a lying toad, that's my objection!" Cried Kate with just as much triumph.
The bride turned to face the intruders. It wasn't Amandine. It was someone much bigger, wearing a leather wedding dress, her arms, feet and cleavage heavily tattood and her ears, nose, lips and eyebrows all pierced. She flexed her muscles and growled.
"Erm, but Jesus loves her all the same," Kate squeed, and she turned to run back.
But she couldn't due to the four burly policemen blocking her way. Thus Anna and Kate turned back to the now unhappy couple and ran towards them, just missing the fist which the bride extended in the direction of Kate's head. They leapt over the tressel table that acted as an altar and hurried out of the back door.
"Something tells me that wasn't Jim's wedding," panted Kate.
"But where are they?"
They stopped and bent down, hands on knees, their lungs fighting for breath.
"How about the Eco-Chapel?" asked Anna, pointing towards a paper building, outside which a young woman in tye-dyed clothes was preparing herbal tea for communion.
They ran inside.
"I give you this biodegradable eternity sphere as a symbol of my affection," the groom, who had dreadlocks and was definatly not Jim, was saying as he pushed a polo onto the finger of a woman in a grass skirt and daisy chain who was definatly not Amandine.
Their exit blocked by the police once again, Kate and Anna leapt throught he paper, ignoring the vicar's objection that it was recycled.
"Kate, I know which church it is," shouted Anna.
"Which?"
"That one!"
"How do you know?" asked Kate.
But Kate saw how Anna knew. Jim and Amandine were emerging, she with a red and yellow plastic ring smudged with chocolate on her finger, he with a big grin on his face.

***

Henry stolled along East Sands wearing nothing but a nappy. His experience at the ball had awakened him to the liberty that being almost naked allowed. Plus he'd had to sell his clothes to raise his bail money.
He stood at the water's edge, the sea lapping around his bare feet, and gazed out into the distance pondering.
"Hi, Henry."
He turned to see Janet approaching him. She looked pensive, sad, in fact.
"I, I'm sorry about Matt," he stammered.
She shrugged and stared at the horizon. They remained like that, saying nothing.
Henry kept glancing at her from the corner of his eye. She was beautiful, her hair blowing in the wind, her cheeks and nose red with the cold and her purple fluffy ear muffs making her look ever so cute, if also a bit like a Russian.
Janet had seen his secret looks and smiled to herself.
"Henry," she asked, "are you not cold? You've hardly got anything on."
"No, no, it's, erm, very liberating in a weird kinda way," he answered.
Janet stood in silence a bit longer before leaving, her mind full of admiration for Henry. Even if he was a bit strange.

***

Janet kept returning to the beach. Henry was always there, pondering. They'd discuss theology, metaphysics, whether Mowgli was right to leave the jungle. They laughed and joked. They shared stories and Janet found herself descending the steps to the sand increasingly often.
Until one day, when they were stood in silence, Henry reached out quickly, took her hand in his and stood staring out to sea as though nothing had happened, a look of fear on his face.
Janet turned to look at him.
And she smiled.

Chapter 18 - Goodbye my Love

Janet had spent the week in 123, kindly allowed to sleep on the sofa, although Ollie had offered half his bed. News of Matt and Holly was scarce, and Janet didn't know what she would do when they were found anyway. She'd been awaiting news for over a week, yet still nothing had been heard.
She was now sat in the living room, accompanied by Anna, Marc, Nadia, Henry and James, who was dressed as a pirate, complete with plastic sword, eyepatch and bandanna. They were silent, transfixed by a Friends repeat. Janet leant it only half her attention, the other half preoccupied by her dilema.
"Hey." Kate greeted everyone as she entered and proceeded to do something unprescedented; she turned off the television.
Eleven eyes turned to look at her accusingly, though their owners were partly in shock at having been awoken from their dream.
"Guys," said Kate, "I've just heard that Amandine and Jim are an item!"
There were squeals from the girls, though Janet's half-hearted.
"No, that's not a good thing," she added, "because she's only using Jim to take over England."
"Oh no, we've got to save him," squeaked Anna.
"Doesn't bother me, I'm a Scotsman!" cried James.
"No you're not," replied Henry.
"Well, I'm an eigth Scots," he responded.
"So you just tell him the truth, then, don't you?" said Marc, getting up and turning television back on.
"Too late, he's already gone to Gretna Green."
"He's what?" Henry was stunned.
"Oh my gosh, we've gotta save him," Anna squeaked for a second time.
"We've got to get there, somehow," said James, stating the obvious, as usual.
"I'll drive," said Anna, jumping up and pulling the keys to her Mini from her dressing gown pocket.
Kate, Anna, James and Henry left in a hurry. Nadia and Marc agreed to stay behind, claiming due to lack of room in the car, but in reality because they'd both experienced Anna's driving before.
Janet had hardly registered what had happened. Nadia glanced at her and, seeing her glazed eyes, decided it was safe to tell Marc how she had gotten her revenge on Holly.
"I told Simon," she said.
"Told Simon what?" asked Marc, exasperated that his viewing was once again being interrupted.
"About Matt?"
"What about Matt?"
"That he wants him to say Byker Grove."
"And does he?"
"No, of course he doesn't, but I wanted the Geordie Mafia to take action as punishment for Holly not coming to my ball because she´s in love with him."
Janet was no longer glazy-eyed. Her gaze was fixed on Nadia, the one who had caused her love to suffer so much.
"Bitch!" she screamed, and she jumped up, grabbed Nadia by the hair and pulled her to the floor.
"No need for that," Marc said calmly, before turning back to the screen.
Janet climbed onto the back of the armchair, lifted the crying Nadia by the hair and used it to wave her around her head. Nadia picked up speed as she flew round and round. Suddenly Janet let go, and she went crashing through the window and fell into the street, leaving a stream of vomit behind her.
Marc laughed. Dr. Kelso had just bitten Dr. Cox on the nose.
The doorbell rang, and Janet, suddenly calm, went down to answer it.
Simon was stood there, Nadia at his feet.
"What happened?" he asked.
"She got me angry, that's what," she said. "Turns out Matt didn't want to hear you say Byker Grove, that was her scheming."
"Saves me killing him," Simon replied. "Actually, I came to see you about Matt. UCCF forced him to attended every prayer meeting this week and listen to them rehearse the notices about mission week. The consultant says he's suffering from severe bordom. He's lucky to be alive."
"Where is he?" asked Janet.
"Dundee Hospital," answered Simon. "I thought you might want to speak to him before I gave him a lethel injection of Newcastle Brown."

***

Anna swerved in and out of the traffic, horn blaring, engine roaring. She darted from one lane to the next, causing one wagon to crash into the central reservation, scaterring its load of Irn Bru over the motorway. Kate closed her eyes as she saw the speedo hit 160.
"Er, Anna, I hate to tell you this, but there are blue lights behind us," shouted Henry from the back.
"It doesn't matter," replied Anna with glee, "we're going to save the world." And she pressed her right foot down harder.

***

Janet stood in the ward, Matt's bed beside her. He was sleeping soundly, and she looked down at him tenderly, the words of the Aerosmith song coming to the front of her mind.
I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing.
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you're far away dreaming.
And she pulled his hair. She pulled it hard until he was screaming, nurses running to his aid but unable to drag Janet away.
He would forgive her, it was what she always did when he did something wrong and he always forgave her. He loved her.
She let go and allowed the nurses to make their observations. They wanted to remove her from the ward, but Simon snarled at them and they agreed that she could stay.
Then Simon left the couple to talk.
Except they were no longer a couple, and Matt told Janet as much. He was with Holly now, and nothing was going to change that.

Chapter 17 - Punky's Dilema

"Hey Janet, can I sit here?"
Janet looked up to see the stranger from Holly's bed indicating towards her lap.
Her reply was negative, so he sat beside her on the sofa instead.
"I hear your boyfriend cheated on you," he said. Janet just nodded sadly. As if she needed reminding. "And now he's been taken away." She nodded again. "So, you're avaliable." She looked at him and shrugged. "You could be my girlfriend if you like."
Janet just shook her head.
"Well, if not my girlfriend than I'd like you to become my concubine."
"This," said Simon, slapping the stranger around the head, "is Ollie."
"Oh yeah, we thought someone was missing," chirped Kate, turning her head away from the television screen. "What happened, Ollie?"
"Oh that, yeah, I was trying to encourage Holly to be my muse, but she was having none of it. She loved it though, right?"
"I don't think so," Kate replied.
"So what's happened to Matt?" Janet asked Simon.
"The CU's got him," he answered. "And if I know them, they'll use the worst punishment they know. I'm sorry, Janet, but Matt's never going to be the same again."
Henry entered the room, letting go of James' hair, which he had been using to drag him along, so that his head fell onto the floor.
"Hey guys, what happened? I saw the door downstairs, it looks kinda smashed."
"Long story, Henry," came Simon's answer.

***

Janet decided to remain in St. Andrews until Matt reappeared. She didn't know when it would be, but knew her school in Spain would be agreeable to the idea; she probably wouldn't work any fewer hours than she normally did.
She spent most of that time speaking to Kate. Kate, it was generally thought, would make a brilliant mother; formidable, petrifying, but also very wise. It was for this reason that Janet talked through her problems with the American.
"I don't know what to do, Kate. Should I forgive Matt and take him back, or should I wait for the one with the shoe?"
"What does your heart tell you to do?" asked Kate. She hadn't really known how to reply, but had seen a lot of crappy American films, and that seemed like the sort of line she should use in such a situation.
"I'm crazy about Matt, but at the same time I want to kill him for doing this."
"Who's this other guy, then?"
"Kate, I don't really know. A few years ago I felt old, thought I'd never find anyone, left on the shelf. So I put a stamp on one of my shoes and wrote TO THE MAN OF MY DREAMS on the sole and left my name and address under the tongue. I decided it would be a Cinderella type story; whoever sent it back would be the man I´d marry. I tell people that I lost it at the ball in first year just like she did. I even have a picture of him in my head, Kate. Should I wait for him?"
"Does this mystery man make you feel like a princess?" asked Kate, "Because that's what all women want, to feel like a princess."
"Erm, I've never met him, Kate."
"But in your head, does he?"
"Yes, he does."
"Than you know what to do."
Janet nodded her head, and, thanking her friend and confident, she left.
Kate sighed with relief and thanked God that she wasted so much time watching rubbish TV.

Chapter 16 - You Really Got Me

The door was opened by a man in a balaclava, much to Janet's surprise. She thought, for a second, that she was back on the streets of Belfast. There were, afterall, enough Ulster accents in St. Andrews. The man put his gloved finger to where his lips must have been behind the wool, and beckoned her inside. She was trembling a little as he closed the heavy door silently behind her. She followed him quietly up the stairs and into the living room, where Kate, Anna, Marc and Nadia were all laid on the floor, ropes binding their arms to their sides. The figure indicated that Janet should sit on the sofa and she fearfully did as she was told. Others, similarly clad, were stood around the room. None of them spoke. Janet flashed a look at Kate, but the returned glance said something she had hoped not to hear.
It's for the best.
Another man, stood by the door and whom Janet hadn't therefore seen as she entered, motioned with his hand and the others, bar one who stayed to guard the hostages, followed him from the room, the door closing silently behind them.
In the hallway the men grouped by the entrance to Holly's bedroom. The leader held up three fingers, then two, then one.
When the remaining finger was lowered the group, silently and professionally, burst into the room, taking in the scene in an instant. Matt and Holly were laying on the bed, on top of the covers, fully clothed. Matt had his right trouser leg rolled up to the thigh and Holly's hand was resting on his knee. There was another figure, also laid, facing the wall.
An unknown.
A need to adapt.
Matt and Holly looked startled by the sudden interuption and sat up in horror, their secret discovered already. Two of the group moved from behind the others to the front, placing black cotton bags over their heads, while four others stood them up and ushured them from the room. The leader indicated towards the sleeping figure with his finger, and another dealt with him, placing a chloroformed paper tissue over his mouth and nose and holding it there.
Then they made their exit.

***

When Simon arrived at 123 he found the red door open. He shouted up the stairs, but heard no response. Entering the living room he found the inhabitants of the house, plus Janet, tied up on the floor. He knew immediatly whose work it was. UCCF had hired him in the past to do jobs, the last being that against Matt. This time they'd done the job themselves with a level of professionalism that only they could manage.
Janet's presence surprised the Geordie, though he guessed the reason she was here and felt a waft of sympathy for her now he knew the truth about Matt and Holly. He untied and questioned the hostages, but they could tell him nothing save for that a group of thirteen, all wearing the same black trousers, black shoes, black socks, black gloves, black balaclavas and mission week hoodies, had carried out the operation, all of which he had already guessed.
He entered Holly's bedroom, wrinkling his nose as usual. The UCCF squad had, no doubt, been able to stomach the smell; after all, they could withstand 45 minutes of notices every Friday night. Task squad training was said to be tougher than that of the SAS. There was no evidence of a scuffle; Simon knew that Holly's room was always like this. The figure sleeping soundly on the bed, however, might be able to tell him something.
He approached and gave him a shake, but there was no response. Out cold.
Chloroform.
Simon went back into the living room, where everyone was silently watching Futurama, the evening's events forgotten.

***

Henry and James walked back from the ball. Well, Henry walked while James attempted to thread the needle, his face becoming ever redder from the combination of effort and blood.
"James," said Henry, "I need to tell you something."
"Uh-huh?" answered James, effort evident on his face.
"I think I'm in love."
"Uh-huh?"
"With Janet."
"With Janet? But what about Matt? Man!"
"I know, I know. It's just that... well, the idea of her that Matt's given me, it's like she's the ideal woman."
"Well, what does she look like?"
"I can't remember, but man, she's so hot."
"What's she like as a person?"
"Erm... I don't know."
"When was the last time you saw her?"
"About nine months ago."
"When did you last speak?"
"I don't think we ever did, but she's always been nice to me."
"So," he gasped with the effort of leaping through his arms again, "how do you know you love her?"
"Oh man, I dunno. I just do."
James didn't reply, he was lying unconcious on the floor, his arm bent at a curious angle.

***

The stranger was finally awoken by the smell of herbal tea at 5:53am. Simon closed the door to the box room and sat beside him on the bed.
"We need to talk," he said.
No reply.
"What's your name?"
Still no reply.
"I need to know your name. Do you know who you're dealing with here?"
"Gimp."
"You can insult me all you like, but I need to know your name."
Silence.
"If you don't tell me your name I'll hang you from the Angel of the North." The Geordie Mafia's tamest of punishments, but the threat usually had its effect.
The stranger remained in silence.
"How about if I stand you outside Madras with a can of Tenants and no defence."
The stranger yawned and rolled over.
There was nothing for it, Simon would have to use his harshest of punishments.
"If you don't talk, I'll send you to Yorkshire."
The stranger talked.

Chapter 15 - I Would Do Anything for Love

The wind whistled around Janet's beautiful body as she kicked, in her elegant dress, around the DRA building site. She'd finally decided that Matt was indeed the man of her dreams, she had given up the hopes she had had of ever finding her secret lover, realising he was nothing compared to the damn fine sexy Yorkshireman, she had travelled all the way from sleepy Baeza to happenin' St. Andrews to be with the one she loved only to find herself cold and alone and incredibly unhappy.
She sat down on a lump of concrete and rocked a remaining brick from the old DRH with her foot. Why had he done it? How could he have left her? She thought he loved her, he'd told her so so many times. Tears trickled down her powdered cheeks as she thought of all his letters, his kisses, the warmth of his arms... and how from now on she would be cold. Then something caught her eye under the stone. She pushed it further with her pointed Hush Puppy until it rolled over in the dust. In the indentation in the ground lay a book, old and brittle. She picked it up, brushing the mud from it's cover with her dress (for she didn't care anymore) and peered at the gold writing inscribed on the front.
The Legend of Pete and Jayne.
She opened it up and began to read the ornate writing. It was a story that gripped her, a story of true love and romance, of passion, desire and sickly sweetness. Pete and Jayne had once, so it was said, been lovers. They'd held hands constantly, they'd called each other disgustingly cute names and they'd pulled soppy faces whenever they were together. They even kissed in public. They were, according to the legend, the perfect couple. Apart from the fact they were Northern Irish. Their ghosts were now said to wonder the streets of St. Andrews hand in hand on a moonless night.
Janet finished the story, closed the book and wept.

***

Jim pulled gently away from Amandine, staring deep into her eyes. The taste of frog's legs clung to his lips like a ned clings to a can of Tenants and the false moustace came away from her face and stuck to his.
"Winner."

***

Grey smoke filled the dark room in the secret bunker, making the atmosphere close and choking. In the centre of the room was a large oak table, around which were sat thirteen people, their faces hidden by the gloom. At the head of the table was the leader of the consortium. About him little was known. He was, reputedly, from an obscure South American country and was known only as The Staffworker.
"What are we going to do about thees?" asked The Staffworker. "We cannot jave thees C.S.D.S. threatening our monopoly. We jave worked too long to jave them threaten our control over Christian dating in St. Andrews. Thees threat is unprescedented since Christian Marriage and Dating."
"Thankfully our brain washing schemes succeeded in making them think they were a drama group," said one voice. "We could try it again."
"No, that ees not an option. We can't take any risks, there are still confused memories about those times. There ees only one solution. That is..."
The Staffworker didn't need to finish his sentence, sucking on his Cuban cigar instead; everyone knew the solution of which he spoke, and their eyes widened with horror.

***

"I'm sorry, Matt, I can't continue."
Matt sat up. Holly's carressing hand had felt so good that his knee was tingling.
"Why?"
"Because of... him." She gestured past Matt towards the stranger, who was watching them with intent, his mouth open and his tongue hanging open.
"Who the hell are you?" asked Matt.
The stranger just looked at him.
"Gimp," he said, and rolled over.

***

Janet stood in the cold, outside the front door of 123. The street was dark and deserted and she stoody silently, summoning the courage to ring the bell. The story of Pete and Jayne had taught her one thing; that love was worth fighting for. And by gum, she was going to fight.

Chapter 14 - 500 Miles

Janet stood in the cold street. The wind was blowing her perfectly prepared hair, the cold was biting at her facial features and dust whipped around her ankles. She twitched the purple silk of her dress with nervousness. Where was the bus? The GNER "express" train had left Leuchars fifteen minutes ago, but no public transport had yet turned up. She had changed in the tiny toilet cubical as the train pulled out of Edinburgh Waverly and had sat between a group of drunken rugby fans and a couple of tracksuited neds drinking cans of Tenants, who would have gotten out at Kirkcaldy had the train not been redirected around the Fife Circle due to a brick on the line. The station master would have removed it were it not for having to spend four hours filling out the necessary risk assesment forms. As a result, the train had arrived at Janet's stop later than she'd intended.
Would she make it to the Bay Hotel before the ball ended?

***

Holly and Matt stood in the middle of the dance hall, their chests heaving. Holly stared openly for the first time through the grime on her dance partner's glasses and into his eyes. They twinkled, making Holly's stomach tumble. He wanted her.
"Holly," he said, gasping with what she knew to be emotion, "you're crushing me."
"Oh, sorry," she said, quickly releasing her grip. Matt whiped the tears from his eyes and took a deep breath.
"That's better," he said.
Holly continued to stare back into his eyes.
"Shall we get a room?" she asked.
"We bloody won't, do you know how much they cost here?" Matt replied. "We'll head back to your place."
So the pair left, palm in sweaty palm.

***

The dance floor was empty. Not because the ball was over, but because Henry's underpants were now compeletly see through.
"He can't be a vegetarian," said one onlooker, "you can see his meat and two veg."
Henry, however, was oblivious to the stir he was causing. All he could hear was the music, and it was turning him into a dancing machine. He was the king of cool, the ace of spades. He was, without a doubt, the hippest link leader St. Andrews had ever experienced.
He was so focussed on the music that he didn't notice the solid bulk heading towards him like a steam train. As such, he was taken by complete surprise when a large hand grabbed him by the neck and shunted him off the dance floor and into the wall. People screamed as they watched the seemingly naked body smash against the flaking plaster.
"Where's Matt?" asked Simon, for his was the hand around his neck.
Henry was too stunned to reply. The music was still pumping and he had a desire to shimmy out of the Geordie's grip and return to his grooving.
"Where is he?" he shouted into his ear.
"He... er... dissapeared?"
"Where?" he bellowed.
"I don't know."
"Where?"
Henry didn't reply.
Simon dropped him to the ground and steam rollered towards the DJ, told him to "Shut it," and roared like a coal truck to where Henry had stopped his girrating and was looking around confusedly in the sudden silence.
"Now tell me where he is?" he yelled.
"Erm... why do you need to know?"
Simon got his face so close to Henry's that each could see the other's gold teeth. "Because," he said, "he asked me to say Byker Grove."
Henry chuckled. "You sound just like PJ and Duncan."
"Where is he?" Simon shouted, his eyes bloodshot with anger.
"Erm, I think he went off with Holly."
Simon dropped him again and stood, towering over him, pointing down. "Don't mess with the Geordie Mafia again."

***

Jim and Amandine were oblivious to the events on the dance floor, too busy starring into each other's eyes.
"Tu know somesing, Amandine?" asked Jim.
"I sink, mousieur Jim, zat je do," she replied.
"Je was oping tu'd say zat." And he moved his lips closer to hers.

***

Janet was sat on the top deck of the bus, trying to avoid the stares of the neds who were muttering incomprehensibly at her and dropping cans of Tenants in attempts to see up her dress.
She glanced out of her window as they progressed up North Street and noticed the light on in Holly's bedroom window. She looked closer, knowing Holly was supposed to be at the ball. She wasn't too late, was she? She hadn't missed it?
Her fear was replaced by horror, however, when she saw in the velvet framed mirror on Holly's ceiling the reflection of her friend's large hand on a nobbly knee.
A nobbly knee she recognised.
The nobbly knee of Matt.
The nobbly knee of the man of her dreams.