Chapter 1 - Dangling Conversation

James and Henry sat in the cosy little Ladyhead Café. The place was usually busy with pensioners and students eating lunch at this time of day, but it was, strangely, empty. Strangely, that is, until it is considered that Henry was wearing only a nappy and did, in fact, appear naked given that his sheilded loins were hidden beneath the green, wooden table. Ethel, usually joyful in her daily work behind the counter, was nervously stood in the corner, averting her eyes and desperatly hoping the vicar wouldn't walk in. Who knows what he would say, she might even lose her position as chief sandwich maker. But she knew that, however strange the pair might appear, the Lord loved them, and so she let them stay in the hope that they might somehow be converted, a hope that died away as she watched a CU member stroll in and hand them a freshers' week flier.
"What's it say, Henry?" asked James, peering over the top of the sheet of paper.
"Games on the beach, with a talk from special guest, 'Why the Trinity is like a set of wickets,'" replied Henry, reaching to put it into his pocket before realising he didn't have one. There were, Henry concluded once again as he pushed the flier inside the nappy alongside his pen, wallet, a chocolate bar and the obvious, downsides to wearing next to nothing.
"How's preparation for the link group Kung Fu Kick 'Em freshers' week tournement going?" James asked, playing with his pink dyed hair.
"The committee took some convincing, but after Jim and me told them we'd use it as an analogy for the Protestant role against Catholics they gave us their blessing."
The conversation was cut off as James recieved a text message, his mouth falling open as he read it.
"Oh man," he said, "I don't believe it. Matt's getting married."
"To who?" asked Henry.
"Holly, of course."
"Man, that's like, really soon. They've only been going out a few months."
"And it's not like we can say they're doing it for the usual motives Christians have for rushed marriages."
"What are they?" asked Henry, innocently.
"You know..." hinted James. Henry could only shrug his shoulders in response. "You know..." repeated James, nudging Henry from across the table. Henry shook his head. "You know... sex," hissed James.
Ethel turned round with her head in her hands and groaned.
"What? You mean, people actually do that?" replied Henry.
"What, have sex?"
No, I mean, kinda, get married quickly so they can... you know... do it?"
"Yeah. Why else do you think people rush into it?"
"Man, I didn't know. But do you think... Matt and Holly?"
"No. Do you think so?"
"I don't know."
Ethel didn't like the way the conversation at the boys' table was heading and decided to call a holt to it.
"Erm, excuse me, I'm sorry boys, but the café will soon be getting quite busy and I'm afriad we're going to need your table," she said, diplomatically. "So as you've finished eating, would you mind leaving the table for our other customers?"
Henry and James glanced around at the deserted room and stood up, heading for the counter.
Jame pulled his wallet out of his pocket, but Henry said he'd pay, pulled forward the front of his nappy and began rummaging around trying to find some change, causing Ethel to once again avert her eyes.
When Henry finally held out a handful of coins Ethel decided that that day it would be her treat and, having ushered them out, she turned the sign on the door to CLOSED and went into the back to lie down. Thank God the vicar hadn't come.