The End

Ee, F Me, It's a Wedding! is the sequel to Put t'Kettle on, Luv! After wranglings with his publishers, Kirk has decided not to finish Ee, F Me, It's a Wedding! and allow the characters from Put t'Kettle on, Luv! to rest in peace.

If you wish to read Put t'Kettle on, Luv! it begins with the Prologue, published back in the depths of July 2006. Enjoy it with a cuppa.

Chapter 4 - What a Day for a Daydream

"What do you think to St Andrews University Mormon and Christian Union?" asked Henry.
Campbell looked up from the Mickey Mouse he was drawing on a big piece of card on his bedroom floor. Mickey's head was going to remind him of the theory of Quantum Nervousness Molecular Reliance structures ready for his exam. "What?"
"St Andrews University Morman and Christian Union?"
"Mormon? But we're not a Mormon society."
"Well, no, but I thought we could be?"
Campbell just stared at his friend, dumbfounded. This was the sort of rubbish he expected Matt to come out with, but Henry? "Why?" he asked.
"Well, I want to incorporate the McDonald's "M" into the CU logo, but there isn't an M in SAUCU, so I thought I'd put one in."
"Right." Campbell thought for a second, tightened his lips and shook his head, before going back to Mickey, calming the moment of horror he felt inside as he realised the mouse's tunic wasn't quite the scarlet he'd been aiming for.
There was silence for a minute as Henry sat thinking, staring at his Mac. Well, there would have been silence if Zoe hadn't been sat on the bed strumming away and singing wild praises to God. But she was always there and the house had become so used to her singing that it had faded into the background, so it felt like silence.
"How about St Andrews University Christian Union Men?" Henry eventually asked.
"Well, Warwick might like it," said Campbell.
Elaine, who was sat on the floor playing Scrabble with Lindsay, went red at the mention of Warwick's name. Ever since she'd been discovered trying to get into the boy's breakfast by wearing a rugby shirt and a false beard she'd been too embarressed to go near him. To be fair, the young Northern Irish lass had almost gotten away with it, if only she hadn't burped after eating one too many sausages. The drain-like gurgle had been too distinctive for Henry, who had been sat beside her thinking she looked vaguely recognisable, to not realise her true identity, shouting out her name in horror.
"Have you spoken to Wiw about the name change?" asked Lindsay.
"Erm, no, but I figured he'd be sweet about it," replied Henry. "I think I'll just go ahead and change it."
"I guess UCCF won't mind," Campbell said, "they never did like women anyway."
"I think Alice might have something so say, though," Lindsay muttered.
Ah, Alice. Henry's eyes glazed over and suddenly he was on West Sands, the folds of his nappy flutterring in the breeze, and there, in the distance, was Alice, looking as ravishing as ever, running towards him, arms open wide. Henry too took off towards her, he could hear himself calling her name in a dreamy fashion. Not very manly, he chastised himself silently in his daydream, but that didn't matter. She took him in an emotional embrace, her clothes warming his naked skin, and grey and white seagulls, each wearing a little pink bowtie, landed all around them in the shape of a heart and began singing sweet love songs. But then, without warning, the dream turned sour and the birds began singing the Neighbours theme tune. He saw his own face flicker and disappear to be replaced within a split-second by that of Karl Kennedy, his mouth formed into a jeering snigger as it glanced toward's the spot from which Henry was watching before moving in for the kill.
Henry was brought back to his senses. He was still in Campbell's bedroom, Zoe was still singing, her arms raised in praise while she somehow continued to play the guitar, Lindsay and Elaine were arguing over a word that someone had spelt out on the board and Jim had appeared from nowhere and was considering woolly jumpers on sweatershoponline.com using Campbell's laptop.
Cold sweat dripped from Henry's brow and landed on his chest. It was a dream, just a dream. Just to be sure, he checked Alice's facebook, but there was nothing to suggest she'd entered a relationship with the Australian doctor. He glanced around the room to be sure no one had noticed his change in behaviour, but everything appeared normal. Well, as normal as it could ever be in 123.
There was a knock on the door and everyone looked up to see Matt's disappointed face poke around the edge, mutter something about there always being a party in there and tell them that him and Holly were going to a wedding fayre before the door shut again.
Henry, remembering what he'd been told about not letting daydreams get the better of him, banished the image of Alice in a bridal toga from his mind and clicked the button that added the McDonalds "M" to the end of SAUCU. He was going to go down in publicity history.

Chapter 3 - Rock Around the Clock

"Rock step, triple step, forward step, triple step, rock step, triple step, forward step, triple step, rock step..."
The never ending monotone seeped through the walls of Henry and James' room into Matt's bedroom. The odd crunching sound also made it through, perhaps as Kim, who was doing who knows what with her partner and who let escape the odd gasp of "James!" stepped on one of the many of Henry's Apple products spread across the floor. Henry claimed they were purposefully arranged in such a way so that he could easily find the right powerbook, organisor, laptop or iPod for the job he wanted, but everyone knew that in reality he hadn't decided where to store them after a year in the flat.
Matt tried to block the sound from his head as he tapped away on his own computer. He felt guilty. Really he should have been investigating the Fourth Crusade and whether it had been diverted to Constantinople because of Enrico Dandolo's homosexual desire for the Emperor Alexius IV, a presentation he was due to give in week 11 and it was already week 2, but instead he was switching between Google, trying to find a suitable venue for the wedding, and facebook, where he'd just doined the group "I want to do it in the library". Matt wasn't sure what exactly "it" was referring to, but he presumed it had something to do with hardcore studying, and if that was the case he definatly felt he ought to join.
Downstairs in the living room the entire house was sat glued to "Whose Line is it Anyway?". Campbell had seen the same five minutes three times given that first Henry, who had been to check his Y-Fronts were still in the drier, where they'd been for three days now, then Lindsay and finally Michael had all left and then returned to the room, requesting that the live pause function be used to return to the bits they'd missed. The doorbell rang, and nobody in the living room moved. Somebody else would get it. The doorbell rang again, and still the household remained fixated by Ryan Styles recreating the Michelin Man boarding a pirate ship in the style of a spagetti western. The doorbell rang and again and this time didn't stop. Nobody moved, each eying up the other to see who would crack before Elaine finally stood up and trooped downstairs. Campbell rolled his eyes as Elaine re-entered the room and asked if they could "watch that bit again".
"Who was it, Elaine?" asked Henry.
"Erm, I've forgotten, so I have," she replied. "It was fer Matt anyhoy."
Matt sighed as he sensed the door to his room open. If only he could be left to do everything he needed to do before the Christmas holidays! His frustration turned to contentment, however, as he turned to see Holly enter the room.
"Hey my Ho," he smiled. "How's it going?"
"It's reet," replied Holly, immediatly sitting on the bed beside Matt's chair and reaching out to stroke his knee. Man, it felt so good after all this time. "What you doing?" she asked.
"Looking for a venue for the wedding," he replied.
"Oh, I know, there's so much to organise. It's only a bloody wedding, but I wouldn't have thought there'd be so much."
"Oy! Cow!" The shout came throught the window. Holly walked over to see what was happening on the pavement outside.
"What is it?" asked Matt.
"I'm not sure, looks like that witch from CITV's insulting a little old lady outside Taste, but I couldn't be sure. It could be anyone, really."
"Huh, strange."
"So, what possibilities have you come across so far?" asked Holly.
"Well, I'm not sure Dandolo had any feelings at all for Alexius, it's probable that things just went wrong. If anyone's to blame, it's the French leaders..."
"What?" Holly interrupted.
"Oh, you mean the wedding? Erm, I haven't really found anything. There's always the Bay Hotel, but after the ball last year I'm not convinced that's the best option."
"Well, I guess we'd better keep looking. Dad says it's got to be cheap, because he's not paying over the odds. To be honest, it's your fault. He's tightening his belt even more since his look-a-like business isn't doing well. You shouldn't have told him he looked like Sean Connery."
"But he does!"
"No, he doesn't, Matt! And we haven't got any money because of it."
"I'm sorry," Matt apologised, looking over the top of his glasses at Holly.
How could she resist those big blue eyes looking at her like that from under that stylish haircut? She leapt onto him and began stroking his knee with vigour. Even the "Rock stop, triple step, forward step, triple step" faded into oblivion.

Chapter 2 - Homeward Bound

Matt climbed from the car onto North Street outside the red, flaking door of 123. It felt strange to be back. The sun was shining, but the wind bit heavily, whipping around his bright shirt, which he had managed to get cheap at Primark. At last he was to become part of the legend of 123. The events of the previous years were ingrained in the minds of those there. The kidnappings, the affairs, the hair-pulling violence. And now he was to be a true part of this Christian household. Campbell and James emerged from the door to greet him, opening the boot and taking hold of some of the boxes that were stored there.
"Morning, Henry," Matt called into the living room as he stumbled past with a bumper pack of Yorkshire tea.
"Uh, oh, hi Matt, didn't know you were back today," he replied.
"I emailed four or five times," Matt told him.
"Did you, oh right, er, do you need a hand bringing stuff up?"
"Yeah, that'd be great, thanks."
Matt continued up the stairs to his room. Over the course of the following twenty minutes Cambell, James, Matt and his Dad struggled up and down stairs with boxes, the odd suitcase and various bits and bats. Finally, just as everything was in Matt's room, Henry emerged from the living room.
"So, er, what needs carrying?" he asked.
Later, as Matt and his Dad sat in the exact same seats as Henry and James had done just the previous day, the latter expressed his concern regarding Henry's choice of dress. He was even further concerned as Grotbag, the witch from CITV, walked in and cried "Oh, you're Matt!"
Matt looked up in alarm. What was an ex-children's television character doing shouting his name?
"Hey, ugly, get me a sandwich!" she shouted at poor Ethel in a strange Northern Irish-Canadian hybrid langauge that was barely understandable. She sat down beside Matt's dad, telling him to "shift up".
"Erm, Grotbag, is that you?" asked Matt, tentitavly.
"Who are you calling a grotbag?" asked the witch.
"Erm, I mean, who are you, and how do you know me?"
"I'm Lydia, I know you through Holly."
"Oh, right," stammered Matt, nervously. "Have you heard the news?"
"What news might that be, Matt?" she asked.
"Me and Holly are getting married."
Lydia wrinkled her nose as though a bad smell had entered the room, which was a coincidence, as Matt had, a few moments earlier, slipped off his trainers. "What?" she asked.
"We're, we're getting married," he replied.
"I've got to go and tell the girls," said Lydia, then, shouting to Ethel as she stood up "Wrinkly, I'll have that sandwich to go", she grabbed the sandwich sat on the counter, which was in fact intended for a poor elderly lady sat in the corner, and hurried out with a swish of her tweed jacket and a clack of her stilletos.
Matt's dad left St. Andrews a rather concerened man.

Chapter 1 - Dangling Conversation

James and Henry sat in the cosy little Ladyhead Café. The place was usually busy with pensioners and students eating lunch at this time of day, but it was, strangely, empty. Strangely, that is, until it is considered that Henry was wearing only a nappy and did, in fact, appear naked given that his sheilded loins were hidden beneath the green, wooden table. Ethel, usually joyful in her daily work behind the counter, was nervously stood in the corner, averting her eyes and desperatly hoping the vicar wouldn't walk in. Who knows what he would say, she might even lose her position as chief sandwich maker. But she knew that, however strange the pair might appear, the Lord loved them, and so she let them stay in the hope that they might somehow be converted, a hope that died away as she watched a CU member stroll in and hand them a freshers' week flier.
"What's it say, Henry?" asked James, peering over the top of the sheet of paper.
"Games on the beach, with a talk from special guest, 'Why the Trinity is like a set of wickets,'" replied Henry, reaching to put it into his pocket before realising he didn't have one. There were, Henry concluded once again as he pushed the flier inside the nappy alongside his pen, wallet, a chocolate bar and the obvious, downsides to wearing next to nothing.
"How's preparation for the link group Kung Fu Kick 'Em freshers' week tournement going?" James asked, playing with his pink dyed hair.
"The committee took some convincing, but after Jim and me told them we'd use it as an analogy for the Protestant role against Catholics they gave us their blessing."
The conversation was cut off as James recieved a text message, his mouth falling open as he read it.
"Oh man," he said, "I don't believe it. Matt's getting married."
"To who?" asked Henry.
"Holly, of course."
"Man, that's like, really soon. They've only been going out a few months."
"And it's not like we can say they're doing it for the usual motives Christians have for rushed marriages."
"What are they?" asked Henry, innocently.
"You know..." hinted James. Henry could only shrug his shoulders in response. "You know..." repeated James, nudging Henry from across the table. Henry shook his head. "You know... sex," hissed James.
Ethel turned round with her head in her hands and groaned.
"What? You mean, people actually do that?" replied Henry.
"What, have sex?"
No, I mean, kinda, get married quickly so they can... you know... do it?"
"Yeah. Why else do you think people rush into it?"
"Man, I didn't know. But do you think... Matt and Holly?"
"No. Do you think so?"
"I don't know."
Ethel didn't like the way the conversation at the boys' table was heading and decided to call a holt to it.
"Erm, excuse me, I'm sorry boys, but the café will soon be getting quite busy and I'm afriad we're going to need your table," she said, diplomatically. "So as you've finished eating, would you mind leaving the table for our other customers?"
Henry and James glanced around at the deserted room and stood up, heading for the counter.
Jame pulled his wallet out of his pocket, but Henry said he'd pay, pulled forward the front of his nappy and began rummaging around trying to find some change, causing Ethel to once again avert her eyes.
When Henry finally held out a handful of coins Ethel decided that that day it would be her treat and, having ushered them out, she turned the sign on the door to CLOSED and went into the back to lie down. Thank God the vicar hadn't come.

Prologue

The sun had been shining all day, something rather unusual in Huddersfield. Despite this, the tracksuited teenagers hanging around outside the Kingsgate Shopping Centre refused to remove their Adidas jackets and their hoods remained up, covering their shaved skulls. Sweat poured down their foreheads as they circled the graffitied metal benches, waving their arms to the beat of 50 Pence, the latest rap sensation.
"It's too warm for them to dress like that," an elderly shopper muttered to her friend as she wobbled past.
"Shut up," shouted the nearest adolescent, his faux faux gold bracelet clanging on his wrist. "It's cool, man, an' Ah'm not even 'ot, am Ah. You're just not 'appenin' like we are, int it."
Through this scene walked Matt and Holly. She kept hitching up her tights under the long, woollen skirt, while he showed what Holly thought an indecent amount of leg below the turnup of his shorts. They entered Burger King, and Holly sat down while Matt approached the counter.
"I'll have a Big Mac and a Double Bacon Cheese Burger please," he told the spotted youth.
"Where d' yer think y' are, McDonalds?" replied the teenager, giving his customer a withering look.
Matt ignored him, Big Mac, Whopper, it was the same bloody thing, but he didn't think the youth would appreciate being told so. "And could you clean that bit of floor next to the table, please." The teenager gave him another withered look, one that this time said that the floors hadn't been cleaned in a while and certainly wouldn't be cleaned before the end of his shift.
Matt took the plastic tray with his order and strolled over to Holly, sat watching the tracksuited adolescents through the window. He opened his rucksack and took out a candle, placed it in the middle of the table and lit it.
"Wow, Matt, this is really romantic," said Holly sarcastically.
"I know," replied her boyfriend, thinking she was being sincere.
Once they had finished Matt took Holly's sweaty palms in his, much to the latter's discomfort, and tried to look into her eyes.
"Holly," he said, "I want you to know that I really, really love you." Then, deciding that the patch of floor wasn't going to be cleaned before closing, slid from his plastic chair onto one knee in front of his beloved. "Holly, my love, mi amore, will you do me the great honour of marrying me?"
Holly looked down at him and was about to reply and when the spotty youth from the counter poked her lover with a wet mop.
"'Ow 'm I s'posed to clean the bloody floor when yer sat on it?" he asked, pushing the mop around Matt's knee before slouching off.
Matt swore inaudibly at him and turned back to Holly.
"Erm, as I was saying, Holly, amore mía, will you do me the great honour of become my wife?"
Holly thought about it for a second before replying.
"Aye, all right then."
Matt fished in his pocket and pulled out a small plastic bag, from which he extracted what looked like a Hula Hoop with an Iced Gem glued to it. This he attempted to slide onto Holly's ring finger, but the sweat caused it to break up on contact, and Matt was forced to promise her a real ring as it fell apart, causing the spotted youth to mutter that he'd "just cleaned that bloody floor".
Ignoring him, Matt and Holly linked little fingers and walked happily out into the sunshine.

Matt and Holly are getting married, but not everything will run as smoothly as it should. The organisers of the wedding aren't organised, Amandine wishes to repeat 1066 and Henry and Janet risk breaking the dress code. With such problems, will the big event go ahead? Other questions also require answers; who's the mysterious minister officiating at the ceremony, and how can a tough Georgie Mafia member fall in the love? Find out in Eee, F Me, It's a Weddin'! Released Wednesday 5th September 2007.

COMING SOON

The long awaited sequel to Put T' Kettle On, Luv!,

Eee, F Me, It's a Weddin'!

COMING SOON

News regarding Ghost Writer's next publication.