Chapter 12 - With a Little Help From my Friends

Amandine watched as Jim led Holly aside. She knew what was about to happen and felt a strange sadness inside. She was usually full of joy in Scotland, being among the Auld Alliance and remembering the good old days when the French and Scots used to team up against the English. But not today.
Matt saw Amandine as he returned from the bar with a plastic glass of water, because Yorkshiremen rarely put their hands in their pockets, and thought she looked rather quesy, though put this down to dodgy French cuisine. Who in their right mind would eat snails? And as for frogs' legs... He liked a bit of thigh as much as the next man, but a frog's? The mere thought of it made him feel ill.
Nevertheless, willing to put the past (Hastings, Bouvines, the Hundred Years' War...) behind him, he approached his French friend in order to inquire as to what was wrong. As he attempted to converse with her in his best French she strained her neck to watch Jim and Holly. Jim was speaking heatedly into Holly's ear, but Matt was bobbing up and down excitedly and she could not tell what was happening. She was about to tell Matt to go and find out when she caught his last words.
"What is it that you just said?" she asked him, stunned.

***

Jim fingered the object in his inside jacket pocket as he explained his feelings to Holly. Her face concentrated intently on him, which Jim figured was a good sign. In reality she was struggling to hear him over the noise of Agadoo and had no idea what he was saying. Finally, Jim took his hand from his jacket pocket, something clenched in his fingers, and he appeared to be concluding what he had to say.
His romantic illusions were shattered, however, as a loud crash drew all attention towards the middle of the dance floor. The music stopped, leaving a deathly silence, and the crowd parted to reveal Matt cowering on the floor with the formidable figure of Amandine towering over him. The room was in darkness, the only source of illumination being the disco lights, yet the French woman, like a young Joan of Arc, appeared to cast a shadow over her foe.

***

James danced joyously alongside Henry. He was attemping to thread the needle to the beat coming from the speakers and, as happened every other time he attempting to pull off such a feat, he found himself on the floor in pain. Beside him Henry shuffled backwards and forwards in time to the music. There was a large area free of people around him, quite possibly due to his absence of trousers, the only thing protecting his modesty being a pair of small, white Y-fronts.
They, also, had their attention drawn towards Amandine and Matt in the centre of the dance floor as Matt lay in fear at Amandine's feet.
"Oh man," said James, "we gotta save him. Come on, Henry!"
The pair launched themselves across the room, paying no heed to the danger which they faced and sacrficing all personal safety. Henry, his jaw having suddenly become very square, took hold of Matt's collar and relieved him from what had appeared to be another English defeat at the hands of the French. The pair sat him at a table and, once the music had begun once more and people had returned to their drunken antics, asked him what had occurred.
"Were you being inappropriate again?" Henry asked.
"No!" Protested Matt. "We were talking in French and then suddenly she walloped me around the face and I ended up sprawled on the floor."
James and Henry merely looked at each other.
"What exactly did you say?" Asked Henry.
"All I said was voulez vous coucher avec moi?" replied Matt.
"What?!?" Henry was horrified.
"Oh man, Matt, why did you do that? You have a girlfriend," responded James.
"Eh? I don't know. What does it mean?"
"Whadoyou mean what does it mean?" James responded. "Everyone knows what it means."
"I don't."
So James and Henry explained to Matt why Amandine had felt the need to send him sprawling. Matt, however, still failed to understand their reasoning.
"Well," he said, "most girls would have jumped at the chance."
James and Henry merely tutted.
"By the way, Henry," said Matt, "why are you wearing Y-fronts with your waistcoat?"
"Oh," Henry replied, looking sheepish. "I couldn't decide which kilt to wear and ended up running out of time to get ready."

***

The fun over, Jim turned back to Holly.
Holly looked intently at him. What on earth had he been saying? She was about to ask him when he went down on one knee and opened his hand to reveal a plastic red and yellow ring with what appeared to be smudges of chocolate on it.
"Holly," he said, "my darling, will you marry me?"

Chapter 11 - A Message from James

James, dressed smartly in his suit, approaches the mind's eye of the reader, puts his hand on his chin and strokes his cheek thoughtfully before speaking.
"What, gentle reader," he says, "do you make of these strange, seemingly unconnected events?"

Chapter 10 - The Wheels on the Bus

Holly sat down beside Matt. His front teeth were missing and he had a crack in his glasses, behind which the skin around his eye was purple and swollen. Apart from that he looked good. His suit was neat, his hair combed, his tie neatly done.
"Ey up, Hols," he said miserbaly as she sat on the tiny seat next to his. They were so closly squashed together that neither Holly nor Matt could properly breathe. There was more legroom on an Easyjet flight.
"So," said Holly, "do you want to tell me what happened?"

***

Jim got on the bus without effort and threw himself into a seat, turning to stare out of the window into the darkness. She had just hurried off. His date, Holly, had run away and jumped on another bus. Jim could see what was happening. He had no chance with Holly; there must, he reasoned, be a queue of honourable gentleman waiting for the chance to be with such a fine specimen of a woman and Matt appeared to be at the front. But how attractive she had looked rugby tackling people out of the way in her effort to reach him.
His thoughts were broken as Amandine sat down next to him.
"Coucou, Jim!" she said joyfully.
"Bonjaw, Amandine," replied Jim in his best French. "'Ow are vous zis soir?"
"Oh Jim," she answered, giggling and hitting him playfully with her onions. "Je am tres well, merci. Et vous, 'ow are you, Jim?"
"Unfortunatlee, je am not so bon. "
"Oh Jim, 'ow come?"
"Because," Jim continued in perfect French, "can je let vous dans une petite secret?" Amandine nodded in reply. "Je quite aime 'Olly, but it seems zat she is onely chazing Matt." And he shrugged in a very French manner.
"Oh," replied Amandine, the joy fading from her face. She pressed her moustace, which was peeling from her face, back into place and turned to look at Jim once more. "Jim, mon friend," she said, "je ne sink pas zat 'Olly iz afterr Matt."
"No, no, no, vous are just saying zat to make je feel betterr."
"No, Jim, je am not. Je truly sink zat vous 'ave un chance avec 'Olly. Je mean, why would elle go for Matt, oo iz nozing but a froggie English loserr? Oo won ze battle de 'Astings? Ve did. Zerefore 'e iz une loserr and zus 'Olly vould not go for 'im."
Jim looked at her silently.
"Winner."

***

"What I want to know," Matt told Holly, "is how did Simon know about C.S.D.S.? I did my utmost to prevent him finding out because I know the CU president's put a price on my head should my little venture go ahead. Another Christian dating service would really threaten the CU's monopoly. And with Simon's Geordie Mafia connections... Well, it was inevitable he'd be on my case."
"I can answer that one," said Holly. "It was Nadia."
"Why?"
Holly hesitated. Could she really tell him why? Could she let him know the truth about how she felt?
Suddenly the bus turned a sharp bend and Holly swung sideways with the force of the turn, squashing Matt against the cold window. They were so close Holly could feel his breath on her cheek. He looked into her eyes.
"Don't worry," Holly said, "we'll get her."

***

Holly and Matt were overwhelmed by the splendour of the Bay Hotel. The corridors were trimmed with gold, a fountain lit with red and blue lights bubbled and rich American and Sourthern English guests sat at small tables looking distastefully at the students passing by in their tuxedos and ball gowns.
"Oh, how revolting, Edward," one lady said to her husband. "Saint Andrews, eh? Isn't that where all the poor people go? Charles will most certainly be going to Oxford when he finishes at Harrow."
A group of Americans sat enthusiastically discussing the day's events.
"It was there," shouted a big one, jumping up and waving its arms. "Just beside a rock. I pointed my gun at it and shot but missed! I was so close to catching a real live haggis!"
"Gee, it's a shame you missed, Brad. A haggis would have been a great catch. Nevermind though, I'm sure you'll catch something during next week's leprechaun hunt in Ireland."
Well dressed hotel attendants ushered the ball guests towards a small door, where tickets where checked and the students continued down a narrow flight of stone steps and into a large, dark concrete room. Matt and Holly were the last ones to enter and overheard the manager of the hotel telling the bouncer to keep them out of sight of "the other clientelle" and ordering him to ensure they spent as much money as possible, before locking the door behind him as he left.
"They've put us in the basement, then," muttered Holly.
The DJ kicked off the night by playing Build me Buttercup and soon the dancefloor was swaying.
Holly was sat chatting with Matt and drinking a plastic glass of tapwater when Jim approached, his hand inside his jacket pocket ready to take out the prize that would win him Holly.
"Holly," he said, "can I have a word?"

Chapter 9 - Dedicated Follower of Fashion

Jim cleaned himself up. He washed the chocolate from around his mouth, put on his tuxedo, the trousers worn by John Travolta in Night Fever that he'd bought off Ebay one night while he was supposed to have been writing a philosophy essay on whether LaFollete's views regarding what had come first, Subway or the sub (an updated version of the chicken and the egg), were philosophically sound, his black jacket and his bow tie, which his drunken room mate kindly tied for him. Then he put the prize which would win him Holly in the inner pocket of his jacket, ran a comb through his perm and set off to the "champagne" reception in the facilities building.

***

Henry stood in his room deciding whether the green kilt or the red kilt went better with his jacket and whether he should use the mask he'd purchased online or the one he'd made the day before.

***

Matt laid in his room in terrible pain while his flatmates celebrated the ball by drinking large quantities of gin.

***

Amandine put on a black skirt and a black and white stripy jumper before gluing on a false moustace and hanging a string of onions around her neck. She admired herself in the mirror and picked up the photo on her beside cabinet before blowing it a little kiss and whispering "Orange voir". Then she opened the door and left.

***

Holly put on the jumper she had worn the day before and the skirt she had worn to Church that morning and combed her long hair, which fell gracefully over her shoulders.
"Looking good, Holly," said the man in the bed, the first time Holly had heard him speak.
She turned to look at him, but he'd gone back to sleep.
"Who the hell are you?" she shouted, but he just mumbled in his dream.
She went downstairs and opened the door, hitched up her skirts to avoid the puddles and set off on the long treck to DRA.

***

PC Dave greeted her as she entered the facilities building, checking her ticket and trying to see down her top as he handed her a plastic cup of "champagne". The room was already packed and she craned her neck to see if Matt was in sight, but alas, he was not. She went and sat in the corner on the faux-leather sofa in the corner of the room, away from everyone else, and muttered in annoyance. Her dream was shattered. She would not be able to dance with Matt tonight. She looked down at her top. She had thought long and hard about what she was to wear in order to please the man of her dreams; this top only had one small stain on it. Clean clothes were a sure fire way of attracting him. All that thought to waste.
James bounded over towards her, looking excited.
"Holly! I have to write a Spanish essay about toads for 9 o'clock tomorrow!"
"Oh," replied Holly. "Have you finished it?"
"Finished it? I haven't even started it!" He answered with glee.
"You eejit! You've had all weekend!"
"But I've been busy."
"Doing what?"
"Beating Henry on Kung Fu Kick 'Em."
Holly shook her head.
"Hey James." Henry joined them, pouring his "champagne" into a flower pot. "Tastes disgusting."
"You tasted alcohol?" Holly shook her head.
"Winner!" Jim appeared beside Henry.
Everyone said hello except Holly, who lifted her hand without looking up.
Jim's heart skipped a beat. "Are you Ok Hoz-meister?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm good," she replied. Jim sighed in relief.
"I came to the bistro for tea today, it was sooooo good." He said, sitting down next to her so that their arms were just touching. "They had an Elvis themed weekend. I had the Jailhouse Roquefort as a starter, the Love Me Tenderloin for main course and a glass of Mama Liked the Rosé wine."
"Oh, oh, I went too!" cried Henry, excitedly. "I had the Hound Dog!"
"What was that?" asked Jim.
"A two foot sauage with mash."
"Winner!" But Jim was slightly annoyed because Henry had sat between him and Holly. The thrill of touching her skin was gone.
An annoucement was made that the transportation that would take the guests to the Bay Hotel, where the ball itself would take place, were ready to depart. The group stood up and joined the throng heading outside. Images of stretch limos and Rolls Royces were banished as they were met by a line of rumbling buses, one of which was bright yellow with the words SCHOOL BUS emblazoned on the side, pumping out thick, chocking smoke.
Then Holly's heart lept as she saw Matt climbing aboard a bus further down the queue. She hitched up her skirts once more and took off through the crowd, pushing people aside, not caring if they fell in the mud. Shouts went up as she barged past, but nothing would stop her sitting beside Matt. Sweat ran into her eyes as she forced her way to the bus and leapt on just as the doors closed behind her.
Tonight all her dreams would come true.