Appendix 2 - The Truth Behind the Fiction

Each chapter of this work of genius is named after a song, from classic Meatloaf to top-class Dillon, with that crappy Irish girl band from the '90s thrown in too. If the whole thing were to be named after a song, however, it would be Louis Armstrong's What a Wonderful World. The world, it cannot be denied, is wonderful, and not least because of the people that inhabit it. Each character in this story is based upon a real person, each one as colourful as their fictional counterpart and each one a truly amazing person.
With this in mind, it is necessary to reveal a little of the truth behind the characters.

Simon is not a scary member of the Geordie Mafia. In fact, the Geordie Mafia refused his application to join them because he was just too nice.
Pete and Jayne are not ghosts, but are alive, well and sickly sweet.
Holly would never be stupid enough go anywhere near Matt because his cooking is worse than you, gentle reader, may think. The fate of Grant's Breakfast Club DVD is known only to Holly herself.
UCCF are not quite the fascists they are here portrayed to be, although links to the Falange are rumoured.
Yes, Kate is perfect. I hate it too. She also wrongly thinks that America saved the British in the war and forgets that they turned up late.
James is as strange as he appears.
Henry comes in three parts; legend, man and myth - like the Trinity but less holy. He is an amazing bloke and will make a young lady very happy one day. It will not be Janet. He does secretly wear only white Y-fronts beneath his trousers.
Amandine does not wear a false moustache. The one she sports on special occassions is actually a real one which all French people of either sex have the ability to grow within an hour. She is obsessed with 1066 and dreams of Chirac taking the English crown.
Janet does not have 371 shoes, but actually a whopping 715. She owns an odd number quite simply because she lost one in a muddy bog.
Unlike the character in the novel, Jim does not know how to speak French.

Appendix 1 - The Legend of Pete and Jayne

Once upon a time there was a young Northern Irish boy called Pete. Like all Northern Irish boys, he ate only potatoes, prayed for the Queen every night and listened to Terry Wogan every morning. But Pete was not like all Northern Irish boys, for Pete had something missing from his life. In fact, he had two things missing. The first was a strong desire for education, to attain intellectual standards never before seen in Ulster because the university there´s crap. The second was to find a girl whom he could love and cherish.
With this in mind, he set off one day to seek his fortune. He packed all his belongings plus three potatoes in a red and white spotted handkercheif, which he hung around a stick and flung over his shoulder. Kissing his tearful mother goodbye, he set off for the port. Pete knew he could never find a marriable girl in Northern Ireland. Not because there are no marriable girls in Northern Ireland, but because everyone in Northern Ireland is related to everyone else in Northern Ireland and thus any relationship between two Northern Irish people is usually incestous.
He took the boat to Scotland and headed for the small coastal town of St. Andrews, where he heard had attended such intellectuals as John Cleese. On arrival he felt quite at home, as everywhere around him had Northern Irish accents like his own.
Now Pete was a good Christian boy and he had in mind to marry a good Christian girl, so he attended a good Christian Bible study group. Now there was, at this Bible study, a good Christian girl by the name of Jayne. She was pretty and she was intelligent, but Pete had no interest in her. No interest, that is, until the Bible study group decided to have a meal together, and Pete tasted this girl's cooking. He placed her pastries in his mouth and felt them melt on his tongue, dripping golden crumbs down his shirt and leaking gravy down his throat. He nibbled her buns with delight, letting his tongue carress the cherries on top. He savoured her tray bakes and experienced extacy with her bannoffee.
Jayne had also noticed Pete. She watched nervously as he devoured her sausage rolls and her heart beat faster than ever before.
Eventually, Pete plucked up the courage to approach Jayne, asking her for her tray bake recipe. Jayne, seeing the opportunity arise, offered to come to his flat and give him a demonstration.
The day arrived, and Pete waited with anticipation. He cleaned the flat thouroughly, he cleaned his teeth, he combed his hair and he put on his best shirt (the one with only three holes). When Jayne arrived, she was delighted at the state of the flat, and immediatly pulled on her rubber gloves and began to clean. Despite its apparent cleanliness, Jayne had the ability to see a cobweb at a distance of one hundred metres, and when she finished the flat was shining like it had never shined before. It became apparent to Pete that Jayne was not only the perfect girl, she was a domestic goddess.
As she helped him knead the dough for his tray bake, Jayne casually asked Pete if he had a girlfriend. Pete replied that he had not, but that he had come to St. Andrews to seek his fortune with young ladies, and purposefully but gently brushed his hand against hers, leaving flour on the back of it. Jayne felt a tingle as he did so and only just managed to withold a deep sigh.
When she arrived back home, Jayne brushed the flour from her hand into a little jar and, holding it in her palm, prayed to God that Pete would be hers.
Pete loved Jayne with all his heart, yet knew that they could never be together, for Jayne, like himself, was Northern Irish and thus they were inevitably related.
That night, however, while he was sleeping, an angel of the Lord appeared to Pete in a dream and told him that Jayne was only his second cousin and was thus prohibited neither by the law of God nor the law of the land from becoming his wife.
The following day Pete purchased a rose from Tesco and approached the window of his beloved with the intention of serenading her. He knocked on the glass and, to his horror, saw that Jayne was naked. She screamed and turned around, pulling the curtains. Pete hid his face and never dared to speak to her again.
At the Bible study that week Pete and Jayne avoided each other's eyes, Pete knowing Jayne took him for a pervert. Nevertheless, at the end of the meeting Jayne approached Pete, who apologised profusely for what he had seen. Jayne, however, put her finger to his lips, explained that she had seen the rose and knew of his intentions and that she desired to give him her heart.
News of the relationship soon became known throughout the town and the couple were made the model for relationships everywhere. Whenever anyone in the Christian Union were rumoured to have gotten together whispers abounded that they would be the next Pete and Jayne.
They were indeed the perfect couple. They spent every minute together, sharing love-soaked glances, calling each other soppy names and cuddling through lectures. Jayne cooked and cleaned for Pete, and Pete let her. It was a match made in Heaven.
In the end, Pete and Jayne married and had seventeen children. They had a long and happy life and died in each other's arms. They are said to be burried beside each other on the banks of Lough Neagh.
It is rumoured that the ghosts of the couple walk the streets of St. Andrews, helping couples in need and aiding the broken hearted. Should you ever fall in love, follow the example of Pete and Jayne and you will have a long and happy relationship.

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Still to come: Appendix 2 - The Truth Behind Put T´Kettle On, Luv!

Epilogue

Holly and Matt eventually graduated and married. The wedding night was one of passion, the couple sharing a long embrace and a quick peck on the lips before taking to their (seperate) beds. They now talk of starting a family. Nobody knows exactly what their plans are, but the words "turkey baster" are often heard when the discussion arises.
Amandine and Jim have, until now, shared a happy marriage, although suspicion exists as to the French woman's continued intentions given her bookshelves are filled with works on the Battle of Hastings, the Hundred Year's War and Napolean. The couple have a copy of the Bayeux Tapestry mounted above their bed.
Henry and Janet are happily married and the eldest of their three children is about to matriculate, like his parents, at the University of St. Andrews, though Henry still hasn't decided on the boy's name. The couple live in a cave on Castle Sands and wear only nappies.
After finishing university, James applied for the part of King Louis in the Westend version of Jungle Book, the reason for which he used to thread the needle so often. He was given the part for his own safety, in the hope that he would not feel the need to practice his party trick so often. He is happily married to a South African girl. In accordance with UCCF teaching, the couple shared only sideways hugs prior to their marriage.

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Still to come: Appendix 1 - The Legend of Pete and Jayne